on robin williams and suicide

i know that i'm late on this issue, i know, but it's been a whirlwind lately. but here i am.

robin williams committed suicide. he is dead.

foolishly, i never expected this. he's so funny! he's so talented! but more often than not, those are the signs of someone who is dealing with something that they are trying to hide. (cracked did a really nice article on this.)

but, at the same time, i'm being human and taking this horrible event to look at my own life.

i was once suicidal. i had plans, depending on the place and time. the first time i tried anything, i was in sixth grade. i wrote a note and was going to drown myself. it didn't work (obviously), but remembering writing the note, holding my head underneath the water... it still ticks at something inside me. i don't know what, exactly. maybe it's envy. maybe it's sympathy. maybe it's disgust. i'm not willing to look into that.

the last time i tried, i was a freshman in college. i was going to jump out of my third floor dorm room (ironic, huh?). thankfully, my roommate found me in time and encouraged me to go to the counseling services offered at auburn.

i did, and it was the best decision i've ever made.

two and a half years later, and i can firmly say i have no suicidal urges. i want to live. i want to discover all there is to find on this earth. i want to see my friends graduate and see what wonderful things they do beyond. i want to see my brother go to college and follow his dreams.

and i want to chase after my own passions, too. i want to taste new foods. i want to perfect my pasta technique. i want to write an article for psychology today. i want to get my doctorate and start my own practice and help others. i want to live, i want to live, i want to live.

and i am so, so devastated that robin wiliams couldn't find this passion again.

at the same time, though, this event has opened the door to discussion on suicide and mental health. this country keeps a stigma tied tight on it, though i think we're beginning to see it loosen. some of the talk has been enlightening and freeing, but some of it has been... not so much.

here are some truths about suicide and depression, just in case some things have you wondering.

1. suicide is not freedom. the genie isn't free. don't let yourself ever think that suicide will free you from something. it will just box you in.
2. suicide is not selfish. suicidal people are already suffering from so much shame and guilt; don't add to it. when i was suicidal, i thought killing myself would help others, honestly. it sounds crazy, but that leads to my next point.
3. suicide is not rational. don't try to think of it from a rational mind point, at first. yes, it sounds sick and wrong and it is wrong, but the suicidal person  is not thinking about the rational side of things. they don't think that they can make it another day. they don't think anyone has any "true" love for them. they just feel alone and tired.
4. suicide is not obvious. look at this situation. after most suicidal people have finalized their suicide plan, they don't appear frantic or anxious. most look calm, because they think they've found the way out. it's not the way out, but it's the way it feels (look at #3).
5. suicide is not a "spiritual situation." depression is caused by a multitude of things -- psychological, biological and social. people have neurochemical imbalances; that's something you can't pray away without help, any more than you could pray away a tumor without chemo or surgery. to tell someone to "just pray" about their depression or suicidal thoughts is reckless. depression and suicidal feelings need medical intervention, either by a psychologist, medicine or both. prayer, if you are religious, can be used as a support, but it is not the main source of treatment.

if you are feeling suicidal or depressed, please seek out treatment. i know you may not feel "sick" enough, i know you may not feel worthy, but you are.

call a friend, call the suicide prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255), or reach out some other way. if you're not suicidal, but depressed, call 1-800-233-HELP. you deserve to feel better, no matter how big or small you feel your issues are. i'm always here if you need someone to talk to, as well.

there is a world out there, and you deserve to revel in it. 

rest in peace, robin, and i hope you know that you did not die in vain.

so much love,
rachel <3

(p.s. the picture is from one of my favorite robin williams movies, The Birdcage.)