the balcony-incident: one year anniversary

blessings come in strange disguises, sometimes.

it's been a year since that fateful day, a day i like to call "the Balcony Incident." the day that i lost my spleen and my right kidney, broke all of my ribs, my femur, my hip and bone fragments from my spine. the day that my stomach swelled with so much blood that i looked like an eight-month-pregnant woman.

the day i fell 17 feet off my (once) apartment's balcony.

i treat the Incident and the resulting injuries with humor, most of the time. i'm aware that it is a coping mechanism, but eh, what can you do? 

this blog post isn't about humor or coping mechanisms, however. this blog post is about truth and gratefulness and blessings. 

the Incident is one of the biggest blessings i've ever received.

before that day, i was attempting to recover from my eating disorder. i was barely scraping the surface of my anxiety and depression. i was surviving.

that is, until i wasn't. 

when i hit the ground, i began a race against the clock. i'm not much good at races, but i managed to win this one. the doctors said if i had gotten to the hospital twenty minutes later, i would be dead.

near death experiences do something to a person's soul.

i never really believed in a higher power before. a childhood in the fundamental free will baptist church had me scared of the after life, scared of a God i felt i could never satisfy, so i chose to turn my back. but after you survive something like that, you know there's something out there.

i felt that Spirit wrapped around me every day i was in the hospital. from the moments i woke up in the ICU, alone and scared, to each painful deep breath, to each wobbly step on my walker.

i couldn't have survived the experience alone.

but the Incident taught me something. it taught me about myself: my determination, my perseverance, my worth.

i know how much my family loves me. i know who my dearest friends. i know what i'm worth.

i'm recovered from my eating disorder. i'm on the cusp of being rid of depression and anxiety (for the most part). i'm walking and running and cherishing every part of myself. i'm living for myself and no one else.

i'm healed.

love and blessings,

rachel <3

on robin williams and suicide

i know that i'm late on this issue, i know, but it's been a whirlwind lately. but here i am.

robin williams committed suicide. he is dead.

foolishly, i never expected this. he's so funny! he's so talented! but more often than not, those are the signs of someone who is dealing with something that they are trying to hide. (cracked did a really nice article on this.)

but, at the same time, i'm being human and taking this horrible event to look at my own life.

i was once suicidal. i had plans, depending on the place and time. the first time i tried anything, i was in sixth grade. i wrote a note and was going to drown myself. it didn't work (obviously), but remembering writing the note, holding my head underneath the water... it still ticks at something inside me. i don't know what, exactly. maybe it's envy. maybe it's sympathy. maybe it's disgust. i'm not willing to look into that.

the last time i tried, i was a freshman in college. i was going to jump out of my third floor dorm room (ironic, huh?). thankfully, my roommate found me in time and encouraged me to go to the counseling services offered at auburn.

i did, and it was the best decision i've ever made.

two and a half years later, and i can firmly say i have no suicidal urges. i want to live. i want to discover all there is to find on this earth. i want to see my friends graduate and see what wonderful things they do beyond. i want to see my brother go to college and follow his dreams.

and i want to chase after my own passions, too. i want to taste new foods. i want to perfect my pasta technique. i want to write an article for psychology today. i want to get my doctorate and start my own practice and help others. i want to live, i want to live, i want to live.

and i am so, so devastated that robin wiliams couldn't find this passion again.

at the same time, though, this event has opened the door to discussion on suicide and mental health. this country keeps a stigma tied tight on it, though i think we're beginning to see it loosen. some of the talk has been enlightening and freeing, but some of it has been... not so much.

here are some truths about suicide and depression, just in case some things have you wondering.

1. suicide is not freedom. the genie isn't free. don't let yourself ever think that suicide will free you from something. it will just box you in.
2. suicide is not selfish. suicidal people are already suffering from so much shame and guilt; don't add to it. when i was suicidal, i thought killing myself would help others, honestly. it sounds crazy, but that leads to my next point.
3. suicide is not rational. don't try to think of it from a rational mind point, at first. yes, it sounds sick and wrong and it is wrong, but the suicidal person  is not thinking about the rational side of things. they don't think that they can make it another day. they don't think anyone has any "true" love for them. they just feel alone and tired.
4. suicide is not obvious. look at this situation. after most suicidal people have finalized their suicide plan, they don't appear frantic or anxious. most look calm, because they think they've found the way out. it's not the way out, but it's the way it feels (look at #3).
5. suicide is not a "spiritual situation." depression is caused by a multitude of things -- psychological, biological and social. people have neurochemical imbalances; that's something you can't pray away without help, any more than you could pray away a tumor without chemo or surgery. to tell someone to "just pray" about their depression or suicidal thoughts is reckless. depression and suicidal feelings need medical intervention, either by a psychologist, medicine or both. prayer, if you are religious, can be used as a support, but it is not the main source of treatment.

if you are feeling suicidal or depressed, please seek out treatment. i know you may not feel "sick" enough, i know you may not feel worthy, but you are.

call a friend, call the suicide prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255), or reach out some other way. if you're not suicidal, but depressed, call 1-800-233-HELP. you deserve to feel better, no matter how big or small you feel your issues are. i'm always here if you need someone to talk to, as well.

there is a world out there, and you deserve to revel in it. 

rest in peace, robin, and i hope you know that you did not die in vain.

so much love,
rachel <3

(p.s. the picture is from one of my favorite robin williams movies, The Birdcage.)

keeping healthy: august's goal = self care.

i'm a pretty regular reader of the website greatist.

greatist is a health website, doling out some of the most intriguing, interesting information. it ranges from those just beginning their health journey or those who have been on the trip for a while.

i've found it very helpful ever since the balcony-incident. in fact, i discovered it when i was first struggling with fighting my eating disorder. its focus on health, not body image, was super beneficial.

anyway, i've been a little lax on my internet-reading (studying for the GRE and working on graduate school stuff, woo!), so i'm a little late to the party for august's health challenge. it's definitely one that i appreciate -- self care.

anyone who knows me, knows that i'm a huge advocate for self care. how else better to be an advocate than to practice it myself?

here's the month, goals for each day:

i'm a little late, but i'll go ahead and start with today's: list five things to be happy about right now. :)

right now, i'm happy about...

1. my relationship with my little brother: as i type this, we're watching star trek together. he's matured into an open-minded, thoughtful, talented young man, and i'm happy to spend time with him. i can't wait to see what he's going to do with his talent... though i'd much rather him stay young as long as possible. 
2. my good health: considering that one year ago, i could have died, i'm happy to have all of my limbs. considering that a few years ago i was surviving off 800 calories a day, i'm happy to be eating without caring about calorie counts and all of that rubbish. so i've got a lot to be thankful for, health-wise!
3. the science of psychology: i've found one of my passions in psychology. since changing my major, i've gotten better grades and have enjoyed my studies much more. also, if it weren't for the study of psychology, i wouldn't have had a therapist to go to, and i wouldn't be so much happier now.
4. free speech: if we didn't have free speech, well, i wouldn't be studying journalism without fear. and that would, frankly, suck.
5. wine: it's good. that's all.

what are you happy about? :)

love and blessin's,

rachel <3

book review: the te of piglet

this morning, i finished my first book of my mini-summer vacation: The Te of Piglet by benjamin hoff.

i read hoff's first book, The Tao of Pooh, in high school and immediately loved it. i knew next to nothing about taoism (or let's be real, any Eastern religion/philosophy), and i honestly can't remember why i wanted to read the book, but i did. it was magical.

i've lived in alabama my entire life, neck-deep in the Bible belt. my mother's family is free will baptist, and my father's family is baptist.

if you want to know a secret about baptists (or my experience with the denomination), here it is: they are so, so close-minded, particularly free will baptists. 

i don't mean this to reflect badly on my church family; they are so kind to me. but let's be real: when i went to church sunday, the pastor referred to obama as the antichrist. excuse me?!

so, naturally, i've always felt isolated from religion. and i could talk all day about my beliefs when it comes to religion and spirituality, but that's for another time. right now, i want to tell you about the companion to the book that introduced me to Taoism and The Way.

The Te of Piglet is perfect for those of us who feel or have felt Small. hoff uses piglet to explain te, or "virtue in action."

as hoff says: "it is not... a one-size-fits-all sort of goodness or admired behavior that can be recognized as essentially the same no matter who possesses it. it is instead a quality of special character, spiritual strength or hidden potential unique to the individual -- something that comes from the Inner Nature of things."

hoff goes on to explain how the Big Brashness that is praised in society today is really quite foolish. instead, being Small -- being sensitive, compassionate, modest, kind -- these things are what are truly Best, even though our hyper-masculine society would have us think otherwise.

i do admit that the author does tend to go off on some political tangents -- tangents i agree with, for the most part, but still. i came to this book expecting it to be mainly philosophy for one's own life, but i suppose you can't really have philosophy without talking government. considering the dualism of the country's government (and everything else), i think this would be a good book for everyone to read, even if it does come across in some places as Decisively Liberal (which i don't mind, but still feel that you should know).

another particularly important fact to keep in mind is that you do not have to be Taoist to read this book and enjoy it! just like with The Tao of Pooh, this book is not seeking to reform you, but to inform you. Taoism is not really religion or philosophy, but a mingling of both. (remember that dualism the U.S. is obsessed with? let it go.) 

i found myself accepting that my "smallness" is really quite powerful, if i know how to use it without letting society's "bigness" batter me.

this book is an easy read, with just over 250 pages. i would recommend reading The Tao of Pooh first, in case you don't have much knowledge of Taoism, or just to get better acquainted to hoff's writing. 

in fact, i think i'll be rereading that soon...

overall: 4 out of 5 stars. 

<3 rachel

P.S. i'm going to share some favorite quotes from the book, just because:

"unattractiveness, illness, and weakness have many valuable lessons to teach to those willing to learn from them."

aka, everything happens for a reason -- it's up to you to make that reason worth it. i think this fits in quite well to a lot of things that have happened in my life, the balcony-incident a glaringly obvious one. i could have used my injuries as a wall, something Bad and Negative to overcome. instead, i chose to see them as things to learn from and to grow from. the balcony fall is honestly one of the biggest blessings in my life, because it gave me the gift of the Spirit and the gift of knowing my worth and power. i think this quote can also be powerful for those battling mental illness or chronic physical illness. i've been diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety disorder and EDNOS (recovered(!)) -- we can choose to take our illnesses as punishments, or we can take them as things to grow from.

"...stated in the first line of the Tao Te Ching: 'The Way that can be followed is not a changeless way.' ...Taoism is a Way of Transformation -- a way through which something is changed into something else."

"Taoism is, on one level or another, a form of magic -- a very practical form, perhaps, but magic all the same. ...two secrets of that magic -- two principles of Taoist transformation: Turn the Negative into Positive and Attract Positive with Positive."

"put things in order before chaos occurs." (this is actually from lao-tse, but it was quoted in the book.)

"no society that wants to last is going to be guided by Eeyores."

"in one way or another, we're all Very Small Animals, and that's all we need to be. so why worry about it? all we have to do is live in harmony with the Way, for the benefit of the world, and let its power worth through us. let it do the work."

"when you see beyond 'good' and 'bad,' you are much better able to recognize and make the most of What's There."

as a... friend has told me before, see things for what they are.

i'll stop now, because i want you to read the book! the entire thing is quotable, really.

love and blessin's,

rachel <33

doing it all: a 20-something take on refinery29's post.

i should start writing my articles sooner. i'm always rushing to deadline, and unfortunately, missing them more often than i want to admit. it makes me feel like a subpar journalist.

speaking of writing, i should write more poetry. i miss writing it, but it rarely spills out of my fingertips like it used to. i should start planning that book of poetry i've wanted to try publishing for years.

i should start planning for graduate school. i should start studying for the GRE. i should decide where i want to go to grad school. i should figure out what i want to do with my journalism major. i should apply to the journalism school at auburn so i can stop begging professors to put me in their classes.

i should decide what area of psychology i want to go into. eating disorders? mood disorders? children, adolescents or the elderly? personality disorders? family therapy?

i should get my own psychology in check. i can't be a therapist if i'm crazy, too.

i should take a shower. it's 2PM on a sunday. i have too much to do.

i should start studying for my exam. it's wednesday, but i need to make an A in this class. my gpa has too be as close to perfect as i can get it. remember those grad schools? oh wait, remember those articles? i need to write those, too.

i should start a beauty regime: take detox baths and give myself face masks and whiten my teeth and apply masks to my hair. i should probably start meditating, too. i used to, but then i quit. maybe i can get back into yoga. i should do that.

i should stop being so self-absorbed. no one wants to read a shit-rachel-needs-to-do list. but i'm going to keep typing; after all, maybe i can start actually posting to this blog now.

i should make this blog into what i want it to be.

i should start going to the gym again. i want to run a race before august 20th. i want to run something before the date of the balcony-incident. but, jesus, when was the last time i ran? maybe if i start now i can run a 5k.
i should start eating more at home. i eat out too much.

i should clean out my closet. i need to sell some stuff and be more frugal. i've heard that minimalism is a good lifestyle.

i should stop thinking about relationships. you know, i've read this article and it says that the less you care about something, the more likely you are to happen upon it. how insane!

but i should clean my apartment first. it's just gross.

but before that... i should write these articles. they're due tonight. maybe i should start writing them earlier?